What does it mean to be yourself? Though the answers to this important question are many they all carry the same underlying premise: being yourself involves accepting yourself. For 16 years - and counting- I've had so much trouble accepting myself. For years, I pressured myself for perfection and punished myself whenever I didn't succeed - which, unfortunately, was often. For over 16 years I was my own worst enemy, not my own best friend.
After much trials, I made significant progress in managing my mentality but I had settled into apathy regarding other crucial elements that make up one's character: principles and spirituality. And I didn't like that at all. As the new year of 2011 wore on, I met interesting people that challenged the heart of every value and perspective I had ever held of life, respectively altering some forever and leaving others well intact after much consideration. This crash-course of clashing philosophical ideas was the catalyst I think I needed to really look at myself in the mirror and really think critically about what it is that I valued in life, and what I valued in my own. If I am wrong about anything else, this, I know, was for certain: I stand by my convictions. And at the same time, anyone who knows me knows that I am not one for dogmas. Part of being a holistic scientist is to control one's ego. I hate being wrong, but I cannot deny scientific facts, so I must open my ideals to different types of study and sciences to help explain the things of this world that are unexplainable.
For years I've sought for a truth that was universal; a single concept that was so unifying that no one could deny its validity. But it was only this year did it finally dawn on me that "truth"is too subjective to be understood objectively. Truth is still a shared understanding of a concept of the times. And one day that concept will be replaced with a new one. So if there was any "universal truth at all" it would be that ideas, concepts, and philosophies are just as mortal as we are - though what sustains them allows them to last much longer than the average human lifespan.
With this central truth in mind, I had to define my own, no matter how "ignorant" it may be to some, and quit pretending to identify with existing ones for the sake of fitting in. To continue leading such a life would be less than authentic, and thus, would be no "life" at all.
When I was younger I used to stammer when I read aloud and somehow, after I began taking Judo at my local YMCA which involved 15 min. of meditation, it went away. I was only 9 or 10 years old, I had no idea how to meditate, I simple closed my eyes and let my criticisms of the whole practice swirl in my brain. But once I felt the words easily escape my lips when called upon to read during class, eventually I looked more into the art of meditation to solve a lot of my other developing issues. As I entered my teenage years and I learned the importance of being mentally present at all times - or, simply, being conscious of everything I did- to truly live each moment of life. When I meditate, I pay attention to my breathing, and often shift my focus around to feel the surface on which I was sitting, the bones in my fingers, every beat of my heart etc. And for someone who had recurring bouts of depression, this practice made me appreciate being alive, despite crappy circumstances.
Everything is a a process, every life is a journey, so as I trekked through mine, I stumbled in having never continued to habitually meditate as a form of mental and spiritual therapy. But there comes a point when the soul gets tired of being stuck in a cycle of misery, and a fight-or-flight mentality kicks in. As 2011 dawned, I knew this would be the year I would stop running. I would make use of the cards I have been dealt and fight for myself to live a happy life. With the help of old friends, and new ones, historical mentors, soul searching and lessons taken from my guidance counselor, I learned the most important lesson in life this year: self-studying. Taking control of your own understanding of this world and universe has never been so empowering before, especially with the topics being printed today and having access to a wealth of online information you can cross-reference with other sources. If I knew it was this easy to self-educate myself, I wouldn't be in so much debt. But I guess we pay for someone to explain the main concepts without having to read these books ourselves, so I appreciate the service of post-secondary education.
As a result of meditation, and rediscovering the practice of being conscious in everything I do, I decided to take control of my life and start contributing to my community. People who talk to me, know how I feel about the environment, religion, politics, economics and education. Many will disagree with my centrist views on some things, but not on others, and like I said before, my "truths" are only a reflection of how I feel today. Ideas and values evolve... and I'm quite sure mine will too as I age.
If all the things I had planned to do this year never get realized, I am most proud of the time I took this great summer to rediscover myself. It wasn't easy, but nothing worth doing ever is.
It's sad that summer is ending, but autumn is just another chapter of this world and mine. And I hope it to be just as life-changing as summer was.
Which season did you experience a significant change, good or bad? What defines your happiness?
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